i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
