The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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