The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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