is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
