All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
