you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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