why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
