i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
