You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize