Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
