It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
