It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
