It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Couch. On fire.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
