i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you inspire me to be a worse person
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
