Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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