I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
