I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
