So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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