Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
