I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
