I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
