Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He passed out mid-signature
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
