it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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