Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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