I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
