Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
