dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
