Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
