Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
