I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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