I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So many bounce houses so little time
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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