My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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