Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
