Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
