Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
