pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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