My pussy is not your playground.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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