So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
