I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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