You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
