At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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