this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You can't special order awesome
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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