hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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