it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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