The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
