He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize