dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
