DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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