I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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