You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
