On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize