Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
