How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
