you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He? As in you personified your dick?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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