Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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