apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
