i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize