I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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