we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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